Niki Marie *Mommy* (callmetiki) wrote in cuts_of_pain,
Niki Marie *Mommy*
callmetiki
cuts_of_pain

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Relief

So it was over a year I went without a fresh cut to my body. Over a year before I did it again. I quit cutting in early March of 2007. I lasted until early April 2008. Since April I have cut about 6 times. Most recently though. Twice in April and 4 times in the last few days. I feel relieved though. Something I have not felt in a long time. The first time it was like I hadn't even done it. The second time a little better. This time it's working. But it's taking more to help, thus the for times in such a short time. My cutting is very hard though.

I'm in Afghanistan as a medic working in an aid station and it's very hard to keep it hidden. If someone jokingly slaps me on the arm, I bleed through my top. I have recently cut in places I have never cut before because it is easier to hide. Easier to get away with. I find that I'm turning back to old habits I had once thought to be rid of. I knew I was never going to be rid of cutting when it controls you for almost 10 years of your life letting go of it is never a possiblity completely. You will always think about it. Either way, I thought I had gotten over the compulsive behaviors I had when I cut before. For years before I stopped cutting I could cut here and there and be ok. When I hit the peak of my insanity with my cutting I found myself maticuously cutting in perfect rows, or lines or in even numbers or evenly on both arms to make it symetrical or perfect. I loved the perfection, the feeling of doing something right. I didn't think that was still me until I noticed my arm, in a perfect row, with the perfect 1/4 inch of space between each cut, the perfect length of each one. The presise placement of each one. it's scary. I don't want to find myself back in that hole again. I didn't want to find myself in this hole again in the first place but I did and I won't say I regret it. It's part of who I am. It always will be. I just am scared. Afraid of the consiquenses of my actions toward myself. I hate myself. I hate that I always end up where I am.

I knew inside that no matter how happy I found myself in life it was never going to go away. That feeling, the need that I have inside myself to cut. To bleed and feel free again. I know I'm depressed, that's a given, I'm always depressed. I get questioned all the time about it. I don't play into it and pretend I'm fine. It works until I cannot handle the depression anymore. I think I hate the idea of being a burden on another person so I hold it in and let it out by bleeding. I mean I honestly don't know the root of my depression. If I did I would know how to talk about it. I think. Or I might still just always hide away the feeling and still cut myself.

Things are good right now. My dad is stable in his sickness, I'm engaged to an amazing man, I have a great support group back home that send me things all the time, and call me constantly. I have good friends here, I work with a great group of people. I'll go home and get married to this amazing man and for some reason, I feel lost........... Alone.... and full of pressure.....

In the end. I'm afraid of losing my job here. Losing the military, I love it here. I love my job, I love my work my friends and I am just so scared..... of losing it all....
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