i really feel like cutting. like hurting myself so bad. things are just falling apart. all of a sudden too. this morning i was filled with confidence and i was unstoppable. but after i took a nap after work it just got horrible. i've been trying to hang out with this guy for weeks now. over a month. every weekend we plan on hanging out. then friday he gets caught up with something so we reschedule for saturday. then saturday comes and he just doesn't contact me whatsoever. it upsets me, you know. then i get in a fight with my sister. she decides she wants to call me from the other side of the house and im losing my voice so i said hold on, hold on, i'll be right there. and even my mom heard me. then i went to my moms room where my sister was and i ask her what she wants coz i told her hold on. and she starts yelling at me and says nevermind. how fucking shitty is it to have to stop what you're doing right in the middle and go talk to someone who just says 'nevermind.' wtf. anyways. then my mom comes and tells me shit for it. and i'm upset, so i tell her i can't handle it right now. and she says 'how dare you tell me you can't handle it right now. i deal with your shit all the time and i can never handle it.' she just doesn't notice.. ever.. she just ignores it. i can't take it. i've been popping pills and drinking alot of coffee every day this past week. i've been ditching class and swim practice.. i'm whoring around. i've become a mess. i don't know what to do. i want to just die. >.<
i don't expect any reply. i've been an asshole and haven't even skimmed through any communities in i don't know how long.